Kindness as a Catalyst
For goodness sake
Kindness is one of the few renewable natural resources. It is both a noun and a verb. As a noun, it describes friendliness and generosity toward others — but it earns its stripes as a verb.
Some kindnesses are easy and ask very little of us. Others require greater effort. Holding a door open, smiling at the cashier, tipping the barista. All obvious social norms. Sometimes being kind is a matter of simply choosing not to be unkind: not flipping off an aggressive driver, being patient when someone takes forever to pay for their groceries. A certain restraint. I feel comfortable calling this kindness too.
Then there are the actionable big kindnesses. My good friend donated one of her kidneys to a man who needed one. A gift that keeps on giving. And while nearly all of us have two kidneys, it’s a rare person who willingly offers a major organ while still living in their body.
Early in our marriage, my husband and I worked with a couples therapist. When Keith told the therapist that I wanted him to change, be different, and transform into a kinder and better person, the therapist interrupted him, letting him know that I wanted the same for her as well. A reasonable ask, I think.
Teaching yoga in New York’s private middle and upper schools, I would ritually give students an assignment: choose one act of kindness to perform anonymously. The anonymous part was as essential as the kindness itself. Determining action for the simple sake of being kind — with no direct, measurable personal benefit, is a higher form of grace. In these moments, both big and quiet, we create an opportunity to grow a better part of ourselves. It’s a spirited yes to expanding into a more spacious heart. And there is literally no expiration on this one. The opportunity exists until our last breath.
Some of the students’ choices seemed excessive to me. Sending your mother three dozen roses with no note, while very generous, created more confusion than necessary. Maybe my instructions were unclear: I meant something more like: change the toilet paper roll, empty the dishwasher, take out the trash. They really enjoyed the assignment. Encouraged by the results, I asked the kids to go one step further: find someone in the hallway they would typically ignore, and smile at them. My brave attempt to dismantle the social hierarchy of middle school — a period in life that most of us would rather put knitting needles in our eyes than choose to repeat.
Kindness can be a catalyst for healing ourselves and others. It’s never a bad idea.
I had a Buddhist meditation teacher at the Kadampa Meditation Center in New York, the venerable Kadam Morten. His kind and humorous approach to Buddhism created a warm environment of unconditional acceptance and love. In dharma talks, he would discuss accruing karma through acts of kindness, drawing on the long-standing Buddhist tradition of selfless service.
I raised my hand and asked whether it was cheating to help other people for the benefit of helping yourself. He answered that performing acts of generosity is looked upon as merit-making regardless of intent — and gave me full permission to pursue karmic credit with my best efforts.
Once or twice a week, I would go to Grand Central Station and study the patterns of movement in the great foyer amidst the crush of people. Most of the pedestrian traffic moved rhythmically, purposefully. My goal was to spot people who were struggling and offer to help them up or down the stairs with their suitcases or packages.
I feel I need to explain myself here. I was experiencing a soul-crushing pain that lasted months, and I decided to go help other people — rationalizing that the karmic effect would heal me as well. It turns out I had shingles. Must have been karma from an earlier lifetime.
Kindness is my offering and my alms. Since it costs me nothing, I can afford it. The outreach exceeds the initial investment and plays the long game.
May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings be happy. May all beings be healthy.May all beings live in peace and ease.
